Aids HIV FAQ

Bitter

Question:

I feel such bitterness towards my parents right now.  They sent me a birthday present on Monday and I still have not picked it up.  My mother started sending me back gifts I had given her while I was a kid.  Other than the first one which was something I loved I had never indicated that I wanted anything back.  I am wondering if now instead of gifts if they were an attempt to get rid of stuff I had given her. My family is super dysfunctional and I have refused over the years to sit by silently.  I think because of that they have pushed me out and want to get rid of any traces of me in their house.  Its funny (well not really) but the only photos they have up of family are of my brother and some cousins.  There is no pictures of me, my sister or her family.  They even have awards of my brothers of display but nothing of mine.  I can honestly say I really feel a hate for them right now.  I have decided that I am going to document everything that went on in the family so it might be made public someday and the world will know what really went on. I feel like a real looser right now.  I try to think I am a good person but this whole thing with my folks makes me feel like such a looser.  The family failure so to speak.  I know my brother thinks I am just a bum and dad has made it clear that he is disappointed with me. I am thinking of just checking out.  My financial situation is getting worse by the day and because of it I no longer can get a student loan. School was my life and now that it has been taken away I don’t see anything worth fighting for. I don’t know maybe it would be best if I just didn’t drag this out anymore.

Response:

Hi Trevor;        It sounds to me like you are carrying the burdern for your parents problems.  Parents like that are as you put it – dysfunctional – but you have to believe it is them and not you.          Do not let what you think your family thinks about you determine your self worth.   You are a great guy,  caring, smart, giving  and all of that despite your parents not because of them.   So what if your brother thinks you are a bum – just tell him to soak his head in his new washing machine.          I wish I knew more on how to help. in faith, Grace When God sends the dawn,  He sends it for all.   –  Cervantes Lord make my words as sweet as honey;  because tomorrow I may have to eat them.

Response:

Trevor, The stories you tell remind me of books I’ve read, where bizarre things happen.  Like someone memory is erased and they are programmed to be someone else.  Or some family member is going to be inheriting money so the wicked uncle gives psychotropic drugs to convince the court the kid is insane (finished that one night before last).  In some of these books the people are irrational, in others they are simply evil.  All tend to be psychopathic. What you tell us is worse, because it’s happening to a friend.  Your parents have got to be psychopathic, unable to recognize others as having rights or even feelings. Damn!   I wish I knew more, or had more money.  Even just to live for you is courageous. Christina

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I feel such bitterness towards my parents right now.  They sent me a > birthday present on Monday and I still have not picked it up.  My > mother started sending me back gifts I had given her while I was a > kid.  Other than the first one which was something I loved I had never > indicated that I wanted anything back.  I am wondering if now instead > of gifts if they were an attempt to get rid of stuff I had given her. > My family is super dysfunctional and I have refused over the years to > sit by silently.  I think because of that they have pushed me out and > want to get rid of any traces of me in their house.  Its funny (well > not really) but the only photos they have up of family are of my > brother and some cousins.  There is no pictures of me, my sister or > her family.  They even have awards of my brothers of display but > nothing of mine.  I can honestly say I really feel a hate for them > right now.  I have decided that I am going to document everything that > went on in the family so it might be made public someday and the world > will know what really went on. > I feel like a real looser right now.  I try to think I am a good > person but this whole thing with my folks makes me feel like such a > looser.  The family failure so to speak.  I know my brother thinks I > am just a bum and dad has made it clear that he is disappointed with > me. > I am thinking of just checking out.  My financial situation is getting > worse by the day and because of it I no longer can get a student loan. > School was my life and now that it has been taken away I don’t see > anything worth fighting for. > I don’t know maybe it would be best if I just didn’t drag this out > anymore.

Response:

i betcha when they die even your brother wont give them another thought. seems like sister is your real relative.  the rest of them can be thrown into the trash heap

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I feel such bitterness towards my parents right now.  They sent me a > birthday present on Monday and I still have not picked it up.  My > mother started sending me back gifts I had given her while I was a > kid.  Other than the first one which was something I loved I had never > indicated that I wanted anything back.  I am wondering if now instead > of gifts if they were an attempt to get rid of stuff I had given her. > My family is super dysfunctional and I have refused over the years to > sit by silently.  I think because of that they have pushed me out and > want to get rid of any traces of me in their house.  Its funny (well > not really) but the only photos they have up of family are of my > brother and some cousins.  There is no pictures of me, my sister or > her family.  They even have awards of my brothers of display but > nothing of mine.  I can honestly say I really feel a hate for them > right now.  I have decided that I am going to document everything that > went on in the family so it might be made public someday and the world > will know what really went on. > I feel like a real looser right now.  I try to think I am a good > person but this whole thing with my folks makes me feel like such a > looser.  The family failure so to speak.  I know my brother thinks I > am just a bum and dad has made it clear that he is disappointed with > me. > I am thinking of just checking out.  My financial situation is getting > worse by the day and because of it I no longer can get a student loan. > School was my life and now that it has been taken away I don’t see > anything worth fighting for. > I don’t know maybe it would be best if I just didn’t drag this out > anymore.

Response:

NOTE: The "black lettering is my responses…And only opinion >I feel such bitterness towards my parents right now.  They sent me a >birthday present on Monday and I still have not picked it up.  My >mother started sending me back gifts I had given her while I was a >kid.

  That’s a bit odd… > Other than the first one which was something I loved I had never >indicated that I wanted anything back.  I am wondering if now instead >of gifts if they were an attempt to get rid of stuff I had given her.

  Ummm…I cannot say yes, or no. Again Odd seems to be the only response. >My family is super dysfunctional and I have refused over the years to >sit by silently.  I think because of that they have pushed me out and >want to get rid of any traces of me in their house.

  Well, maybe in their "dysfunctionality" they see you as "bad"? > Its funny (well >not really) but the only photos they have up of family are of my >brother and some cousins.  There is no pictures of me, my sister or >her family.  They even have awards of my brothers of display but >nothing of mine.

  Well, my mother has no awards or whatever from the family at all. No photos at all of grandchildren or children or relatives. > I can honestly say I really feel a hate for them >right now.  I have decided that I am going to document everything that >went on in the family so it might be made public someday and the world >will know what really went on.

  Sort of a "Mommie Dearest" book? >I feel like a real looser right now.

  I can identify with that feeling > I try to think I am a good person but this whole thing with my folks makes me feel like such a >looser.  The family failure so to speak.  I know my brother thinks I >am just a bum and dad has made it clear that he is disappointed with >me.

  Obvious differences of opinion with siblings..Possible sibling rivilary. As for Dad, well, I think most parents expect their children to be come Schwitzers, Nobels and the like..Waaaayyy beyond expectations. >I am thinking of just checking out.  My financial situation is getting >worse by the day and because of it I no longer can get a student loan. >School was my life and now that it has been taken away I don’t see >anything worth fighting for.

  Ehhh..I learned that bankruptcy is one method to wiping out my bills due to addiction. Right now, I’m looking at major car repair bill if warranty doesn’t hold. Worried? Naw, I can work, I could tell the creditors they’ll get paid (But late) or I could tell them:  Well, if you act like this, I’ll just drain the place again…  While money IS useful, there’s no satisfaction like personal happieness. >I don’t know maybe it would be best if I just didn’t drag this out >anymore.

  I have been depressed (For no reason) and wanted to end it all. I came out of the depression, but have "flashes" from time to time. But money? Ehhh..I wait 24-48 hours and feel better…   Plus, look back at you plan to document everything. If you "Check out" then who will be around to write the end? There’s more to come I know it’s not easy to see, but there’s more.

Response:

i think the girlfriend did not ”forget all about it’ but rather is ashamed and embarassed and panicky. she knows you saw her at her worst, and you might leave. best, lny

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->     So my girlfriend has all but forgotten the horror of last week, that > always makes me resentful…Im finding it hard to deal with her illness. >snipped… >Dear uhoh, >It is not uncommon for one who has experienced a manic episode to forget >what has happened. >You can gently remind her that it was a difficult time for you but I >wouldn’t suggest you detail the specifics. >I suggest you sekk out a support group in your area. they can be very >helpful and offer suggestions which will be beneficial to you. >If you choose to stay with her, then it may be a rocky road. All you can >hope for is that she is receiving the appropriate treatment and her meds >are constantly being evaluated for their effectiveness. >I hope you find some solace in knowing that many of us do have families >and SOs who are supportive and who demonstrate their love in many ways. >Peace, >Reach beyond your grasp!

amen to that.

Response:

you sound like my husband who has dealt with this illness for 23 years… well she problably doesnt remember most of what happened … and the pain of remembering is almost to much for her to deal with… we destroy the love of our lifes… the very heart that is one we tear apart… threw no fault of our own… it is the illness.   so what 2 cents do you want to get in….that she has a sickness and it is crewl… yes it is.. to you and her….you live with it as much as her .. and it will be painful at times.. but both will get threw it and have a friendship and love most dont share… your pain is so real… the only thing my husband trys to do is tell himself, its the illness acting and not me… it helps defuse alot of his anger….i feel for you alot….i hope i helped alittle

Response:

this is my first post EVER, possibly last.  i am that mystery girlfriend that ‘uhoh’ is/was talking about in the original "bitter" post.  and no… i really dont remember what the hell happens or what i say or do.  all i know is ‘it’ ends, and i wish i was dead or could die if even to show how badly i feel.  its like an inherent sense of guilt, a knowing that something has gone terribly wrong, but not knowing what.  Mr. uhoh and i would be coming up on a year together here in the next week or so.  hes decided to call it quits.  he refered me to this board.  i gotta admit , im very pessimistic about the future….. i just had my son taken from me permanently by cps on dec 31st and now "uhoh" has left me.   i dont see much point in any of this now.  seems too late to salvage anything. i have obviously hurt ‘uhoh’ beyone any hope of repair.  i still cannot concieve of how he could leave me.  he was all i had, and i love him.  i never meant to hurt him.  i wish i could convince him to stick this out with me. sometimes i envy him, because he can leave me.  i wish i could.   ive read so many of the posts on this board tonight that my eyes hurt.  so many people with so many problems, some with hope, some without.  i have no idea where i stand.  worse, i dont even care at this point.  not now.   when its all gone is there any point at all? >So my girlfriend has all but forgotten the horror of last week, that >always makes me resentful…

i may not remember the specifics but i live in the aftermath.  he has consistantly broken up with  me over and over throughout our 11.5 month relationship.  i am deeply inlove with him, but it is absolutely exhausting trying to save my own life while constatnly pleading with him not to head for the door every 3 weeks or so.  i cant understand that kind of commitment.  hes come this far , why not go the distance? it may seem hopeless, but GO THE DISTANCE.  see it thru.   he says im obsessing on our relationship rather that getting myself  better, and fuck, i guess i am,  but sweet jesus its not easy when he dumps me every other day, i love him, and so i always try to mend the gap.  its always been up to  me to keep us going.  he is partly to blame for this.  if hes in, hes in, ill work on me with much more ease if i know i dont have to constantly reconfirm our relationship.   god im babbling. i have never said word one to any of you in here, and now ive just spilled my guts , completely inefficiently , as usual.  i can NEVER say what i mean.   it would be better if i could just scream and cry and tear out my hair and bleed from my eyes for 600 hours then maybe, maybe someone could understand how i feel.  nothing makes any damn sense to me.  didnt people used to pick one person, love them and stand by them.  what happend to that ancient concept?  am i the only one in the world who believes in that anymore??????? i fucking hate bi polar.  its ruined my life. fucking hate it.   what would stablily mean now????  i can strive for some sort of manageability only so i can look back on the rubble of my life? the results of a disease that i never ever asked for, never consented to????  i did not sign up for this.  i have never meant to hurt anyone in any way.  ever.  i love deeply, and feircly.  i am totalled by all of this.  i wake up , its over, and everything is different. i will never understand this. you want to talk about bitter???? chelly

Response:

> this is my first post EVER, possibly last. >  i am that mystery girlfriend that ‘uhoh’ >is/was talking about in the original > "bitter" post.  

Welcome to ASDM. We are glad you have posted here. We offer support, encouragement, acceptance and understanding. >and no… i really dont remember what the hell happens or what > i say or do.  

That is understood here. It occurs frequently to some of us. I can relate. During my manias, I did some rather nasty things. Post manias ,I had forgotten 75% of my actions. Unfortunately, my family and friends didn’t >all i know is ‘it’ ends, and i wish i was dead or > could die if > even to show how badly i feel.  its like an > inherent sense of guilt, a knowing > that something has gone terribly wrong, but not knowing what.

Please try to let go of the guilt. It will consume you. The past is done. Try to set your sights on today. >  Mr. uhoh and i would be coming up on a year > together here in the next week or so.  hes decided > to call it quits.  he refered me to this board.  i gotta >admit im very pessimistic about the future…..

With appropriate treatment, bpers can led productive and even "happy" lives with a few "glitches" along the way. The path does not always have to be rocky. It takes alot of work and time. >i just had my son taken from me > permanently by cps on dec 31st and >now "uhoh" has left me.

Nothing is forever. After you are stable on your meds, your pdoc can intervene on your behalf.   > i dont see much point in any of this now.  seems >too late to salvage anything. > i have obviously hurt ‘uhoh’ beyone any hope of >repair.  i still cannot > concieve of how he could leave me.  he was all i >had, and i love him.  

You are all you have. We don’t "have" another really. We may be abvle to share with another…but there is not an "ownership" involved. >i never meant to hurt him.  

We all don’t really mean to hurt anyone. I truly believe that. Perhaps he need some time…to ponder the realationship. >i wish i could convince him to stick this out with me.

I would let that alone. Trying to convince another of anything is usually an exercise in futility for me anyway. Actions do speak louder than words. > sometimes i envy him, because he can leave me.

Your SO is trying to find some peace. From his posts it appears that he feels "helpless" in trying to assist you in dealing with this illness. >i wish i could.   > ive read so many of the posts on this board tonight >that my eyes hurt.  so many > people with so many problems, some with >hope, some without.  

It was an eye opener for me too. >i have no idea > where i stand.  worse, i dont even care at >this point.  not now.   > when its all gone is there any point at all?

The point is this: You matter…you are valuable…you are important…We care and can help one another deal with life’s challenges despite having BP. >So my girlfriend has all but forgotten the >horror of last week, that >always makes me resentful… > i may not remember the specifics but i live in >the aftermath.  he has > consistantly broken up with  me over and over >throughout our 11.5 month > relationship.  

That has had to be very frustrating for you. >i am deeply inlove with him, but it is absolutely >exhausting trying to save my own life while constatnly pleading >with him not to head for > the door every 3 weeks or so.  i cant understand >that kind of commitment.  hes > come this far , why not go the distance?

I don’t have the answer to that. Perhaps he is feeling so vulnerable right now that he can’t conceive of staying and subjecting himself to the effects of the mood swings. >it may seem hopeless, but GO THE > DISTANCE.  see it thru.

My SO and I have been married for 32 "l   o   n   g" years. He has stood by me, but at a price. > he says im obsessing on our relationship rather >that getting myself  better, > and fuck, i guess i am,  but sweet jesus its not easy >when he dumps me every > other day, i love him, and so i always try to mend the gap.

Priorities are difficult for me to establish. But I do know one thing…that if I don’t concentrate on myself and getting stable, everyone and everything in my life will go down the shitter! > its always been up > to  me to keep us going.  he is partly to blame for this.  

IMHO, assessing blame can be counterproductive. >if hes in, hes in, > ill work on me with much more ease if i know >i dont have to constantly > reconfirm our relationship.

First things first as is said in AA. I am a recovering alcoholic and I also have MS. get stable, then work on other things in your life. > god im babbling.

It’s okay. Express yourself anyway you choose to do so. > i have never said word one to any of you in here, > and now ive just spilled my > guts , completely inefficiently , as usual.  

I don’t believe that you were "inefficient". Not in the least. >i can NEVER say what i mean.  

You have done fine in expressing yourself >.it would be better if i could just scream and cry >and tear out my hair and bleed from my eyes >for 600 hours then maybe, maybe someone could understand how i feel.

Not necessary here. We understand as we have been there too. >nothing makes any damn sense to me.  didnt people >used to pick one > person, love them and stand by them.  what happend > to that ancient concept?

It is still around despite the increase inthe divorce rate.   >am i the only one in the world who believes in that anymore???????

I believe in that too. > i fucking hate bi polar.  its ruined my life. > fucking hate it.

I can’t say I "hate" my BP, alcoholism, or MS. I am sometimes saddened that this has occurred, but I have to deal with life on life’s terms. > what would stablily mean now????  

It would me you would feel better. You would be more stable. You would be capable of making decisions which would benefit you…as a person. You would feel better about yourself. You would see the world differently. >i can strive for some sort of manageability

We all strive for manageability. > only so i can look back on the rubble of my life? >the results of a disease that > i never ever asked for, never consented to????

No one here has asked for BP. No one! >i did not sign up for this.

My patients have AIDS, Cancer, Alzheimer’s, …the list goes on. They didn’t sign up for this either. >i have never meant to hurt anyone in any way.  ever. I believe you. >i love deeply, and feircly.

We usually do <sigh> >  i am totalled by all of this.  i wake up , > its over, and everything is > different. > i will never understand this. > you want to talk about bitter????

No. I prefer to talk about getting well. It is doable. One has to be persistent though. If the meds are not helping you with the cycling then it is time to try something different. Neurontin and Lamictal or Neurontin and Topomax as combination therapy appear to hold promise for those with resistant BP, i.e. those of us who rapid cycle. Also one can add either of the new mood stabilizers (MS) to an existing older MS.I am a URC (ultra rapid cycler) so I know the hell one goes through with the swings. Chelly, I can empathize with you and my heart does go out to you. Please try to concentrate on you …You will get better. It is hard work. Be persistent. We will help you to achieve that goal but you have to do your part. It is not easy. It is achievable. Again, thank you for posting and sharing with us. We value you. Peace, Lynda Please disredard the following..it is my MacSoup program which won’t allow me to send this because there is more quoted text than my post and I get so damn fruatrated with it I can SCREAM (sorry) Reach beyond your grasp!

Response:

Guess what? Everything you say sounds totally normal here. I’m not putting you down, I mean you are one of us and we/I understand just where you are coming from. If you bring your problems here, somebody is always either going through the same shit, or just got through it, or whatever. Now I’m babbling. What I am trying to say is that we share our problems and try to find ways to survive. We do a pretty good job of helping each other out ,too. There are plenty of survivors here. I really hope that you will post again. I was so mad when I heard what you were going through and no one would help you. That sucks! Things can get better. Maybe you don’t believe that right now, but it’s true. A lot of people here can tell you that. Thanks for posting, Keith

Response:

>Guess what? Everything you say sounds totally normal here. I’m not >putting you down, I mean you are one of us and we/I understand just >where you are coming from. If you bring your problems here, somebody >is always either going through the same shit, or just got through it, >or whatever.

ive noticed that.  kindof comforting, relieving, kindof scarey as hell at the same time if ya know what i mean.  i have never spoken with any other person with manic depression, save one, who didnt know i was.  she has MAJOR problems too…..  but as i said, she did not know i also had bp so we didnt broach the subject.   this has been my first exchange with anyone who goes through what i go through , ever. its weird. really weird. in a weird kind of way.  

Response:

Bitter story. Sounds so much like what happened to me, therefore I cannot go into it to deep, it will touch the stains on my heart. You Are Very welcome here anytime. GreetinX & Hugs, My heart goes out to you!        X        X       Bas                     DE  DIGITALE  STAD

Response:

    So my girlfriend has all but forgotten the horror of last week, that always makes me resentful…Im finding it hard to deal with her illness. Part of me wants to remind her of all the bad stuff that has happened because I am still suffering from it, yet she gets over it so fast. I guess that usually expect people to feel guilt when they behave in such a way and cause so much damage, but she seems to forget all about it, or give a blanket apology for her existance.     I dont really want to rub it in or hurt her, but it tears me up inside. Even though I feel sorry for her, part of me wants get my 2 cents in to the ‘other person’ that lives inside of her. She wonders why I hold a grudge for so long(or at all) in the aftermath, but I was seriously hurt again by it.     I almost wish she wasnt such a sweet person some of the time, it sould make my choice a no-brainer.

Response:

>     So my girlfriend has all but forgotten the horror of last week, that > always makes me resentful…Im finding it hard to deal with her illness.

snipped… Dear uhoh, It is not uncommon for one who has experienced a manic episode to forget what has happened. You can gently remind her that it was a difficult time for you but I wouldn’t suggest you detail the specifics. I suggest you sekk out a support group in your area. they can be very helpful and offer suggestions which will be beneficial to you. If you choose to stay with her, then it may be a rocky road. All you can hope for is that she is receiving the appropriate treatment and her meds are constantly being evaluated for their effectiveness. I hope you find some solace in knowing that many of us do have families and SOs who are supportive and who demonstrate their love in many ways. Peace, Reach beyond your grasp!

Response:

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